Sunday, April 11, 2021

Marriage Bed

For the first time in forever (go ahead cue the music because it’s playing in my head too.) I have actual bedroom furniture. 

Headboard, footboard, and side table.  It’s odd because my bedroom finally feels like a grown-up adult bedroom like married people have. It’s ironic because it comes when the marriage has dissolved. Bedroom furniture was never huge on the must-have list when I was married.  Other purchases always seemed more important. Funny, now that I actually have a grown-up bedroom, I have no marriage. Life is like that. Some things don’t happen in sequence and hardly ever does life happen in your preferred sequence.

I am proud of this bed. I picked the color independently of anyone else’s input. I painted, finished, and assembled it all my myself. Maybe with a little (a lot of) help from Hilde -it is a Tempur-pedic mattress; those suckers are heavy.

The bed also makes me sad because well, independent and by myself.  Can you feel accomplished and morose at the same time?  The circumstances are all wrong. I never planned to have bedroom furniture and never planned to be divorced. Yet here I am.

I’ve spent the better part of two years learning to accept all the circumstances as they present themselves. Coming to know that yes confidence and heartbreak can be neighbors. Beauty and sadness make strange but familiar bedfellows.  Life is full of all the things, some of which I can control and some of which I learn to accept.  Embracing all of it no matter what the sequence creates the most joy.  It creates the joy that isn't shallow or fleeting. Instead, this joy is fought for, hard won.  It isn't going anywhere because it isn't based on circumstances. I know that even when the world turns upside down and things are definitely not going my way, that life is still beautiful.  I’ll take the sadness and accomplishment and soak up every minute of this crazy existence, knowing that even though it didn’t happen in the right way and the right time, it’s the right life.

Saturday, June 8, 2019

I blinked

I blinked and two years have passed.  I feel like Rip Van Winkle of the blog world. Do people even blog anymore? I'm not sure, maybe I should do an Instagram poll to find out?

I woke up and it's June 2019.  This year Maeve turned 20 - one teenager down and one to go.  The biggest news of the year is that Hilde graduated high school!  

Hilde's graduation signals the end of our home school journey. The Perrin Academy for Exceptional Young Ladies is officially shuttering its doors after having graduated two stellar pupils.  You should quit while you are ahead, I say.  Hilde will be attending Washington College in the Fall as a Quill & Compass scholar for the American Experience.  This honor is awarded to students who want to pursue careers in history, writing, public service, etc. which focus on what it means to be an American and how the American Experience was formed.  This is a perfect fit for a child who fell in love with George Washington at an early age.  Her love of history took off in high where she devoured historical biographies.  The scholarship comes with many internship opportunities through the Starr Center for the American Experience.  She can hardly wait to get there and get started.   It's Hilde's version of being a kid in a candy store.  

Generally as a mom, I am immensely proud of my children. In fact I often wonder how I got so lucky.  As a home-school mom, I had a little more hand's on planning of how their education would unfold.  No home school parent wants to admit this but there were many times I wondered if I were doing the right thing.  Was I making the best decision for them?  Would they be literate and love learning? (These were two goals for educating at home). I crafted lessons, chose curriculum, joined co-ops, bought hundreds of books without really knowing how it was going play out. Well, it turned out pretty well for me.  Maeve and Hilde are both literate and love learning, so goals accomplished.  They also know how to study, how learn something independently, how to arrange a schedule that fosters success and when to ask for help if they need it. Home-schooling doesn't teach all of this but it allows space for all of this.   I can now breathe a sigh of relief.

Come to think of it being a home-school parent is really just parenting.  You have no idea how to do this, you figure it out as you go and you hope for the best.   The only sure sure thing is the love you have for your children.  Everything else is a gift. 

Sunday, July 23, 2017

What a Year

Hilde pointed out a few days ago that it has been a year since my last post. Really a year?  This year has flown past in a blur.  It has been full and has left little time for blogging.

Aside from all the regular family things that I juggle and a full time job, it was Maeve's senior year. My first born is now an adult and headed back east for college.  1855 miles away to be exact. This is awesome and terrifying.  Hilde turns 16 in 2 days and will be driving.  We have started college visits and are planning her last 2 years of home school.

When I catch my breath and look up from the piles of forms I need to complete, I realize I am headed into a new season of motherhood.  My daughters no longer require my assistance to stay alive. In fact they help me keep all the plates spinning. Although they still prefer me to cook dinner, they are completely capable of being self sufficient.  The scales of mothering are moving from the hands-on end to tip toward the emotional-support end.   Instead of feeding, dressing, and chauffeuring, I am now encouraging, guiding, and conversing.  We have great conversations about how to navigate life, how faith forms our decisions, and what their futures may look like.  I get to be part of these discussions but I can no longer choose for them.  I am keenly aware that my daily physical presence in their lives will be a thing of the past. I want to impart all my wisdom to them.  The irony is that wisdom is gained through experience.  So while I can share my stories with them, it's up to them to cultivate their own journey.  I can't walk through life for them but I think I have helped them be prepared for the trip.

Right now I am working on being fully present for every last moment.  That means choosing watching Merlin (our latest Netflix binge) over blogging.  It means saying yes to yoga class with Maeve (sometimes, because yoga is hard) and making sure we get to see Wonder Woman and Spider-Man in the movie theater.  These things may sound silly but time spent together is the foundation of connectedness.  Go make your own list.  What are the things that bring you together as a family?

Next on our list is a family vacation to Ireland.  I cannot wait to share this adventure with Maeve and Hilde. Once the dust settles in September and I've stopped crying about leaving Maeve in New Hampshire, I am sure I will have tons more to blog about.  I don't want another year to fly by.